At the moment of this writing I’m experiencing a deep process of profound value and at the same time of intense pain (literally and figuratively).

Ever since I practice and study spiritual teachings and work as a Tantra teacher, I slowly became more free, soft, expanded. And yes, along the way of practice I ran (and still run) into all kinds of blockages, fears, feelings of sadness, not knowing, shame and insecurity, but I also started to trust my true nature, the space of silent awareness that can hold space for all expressions of life. And the more I trust the nature of reality, the more I flow. Creation, love, compassion, intimacy, focus…it all comes naturally and my body feels boundless, sensitive, open and connected.

But lately I’ve noticed that it’s damn scary to be in this world, in an open state like this. Somewhere in my early life I started to believe that I was weak and too sensitive, so I tried to cover that with strong and ‘courageous’ behavior. Fully armored I played the ‘I can handle everything alone and don’t need help’ part. And if things became too difficult for me I hided in my hole like a wounded animal or I forced my way through the situation.

So in order for me to survive out there I (still) need to armor myself, I need to do the ‘right’ things that fit with the roles I play in life.

But I can’t seem to push myself back into my old box again. It’s as if the costume I was wearing became way, way too small. If I try to put in on again, my body contracts, feels tensed and is signaling severely.

So finally I listen…. I have to, I can’t do as if any more. I can limit myself no longer. But oooh, it feels so painful and beautiful at the same time.

And now what? I need money, I need worldly safety, I need to be somebody… Can I trust the nature of my existence and come to form from that place of freedom, love and generosity? Not playing a new role of a blissed out Tantric teacher, but trusting life and letting it unfold without interference? Can I surrender?

Thank you for being there with me.

Mirjam

Ps: there’s not so much wrong with the roles we play, it’s just what we do. It’s only the judging of what’s right or wrong, the control we try to generate with those roles that limits us and blocks our natural aliveness, our openness, our love. We might become robots in a man made script with orders and restrictions. All made up because we’re so damn scared to live.

Do you recognize? I welcome you from my heart in one of our programs.

May you be well.

The Risk of Tantric Practice?